Waking Up At 30: An MTF Life

My Own Youtube Channel!

Hey! As if my last post wasn’t big enough, here’s some cool news for ya! I started my own youtube channel, and I’ve made 2 vlog posts! awesome! LOL So if you want to meet me, head over there and say hi! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LsBlvHBBMk

My youtube handle is MTFMuffins!

I want to say I might become a bigger fan of vlogging on youtube than postiong on Tumblr, if only b/c I get my own email, I don’t spend an hour typing something and then loose it if I hit refresh, I can post from the road (the android client has flaws and it sucks to type for a long time on a touch screen) and so on. I will still keep this blog open, however, as I love my tumblr feeds and there are times when blogging something feels better than vlogging. :P But by all means, head over to youtube and give me a thumbs up! :D

Anyways much love!

Michaela :)

A long overdue update on what’s what!

Hey Tumblr, how are ya? Long time! *hugs!*

So I wanted to catch up! Lets see.

So, came out to my father and his side of the family this past weekend, and my step sister Tuesday. It was such an INCREDIBLE time. Dad seemed to take the news very, very well, and I learned things about my family, ie that now I have concrete PROOF that my uncle came out as transgendered and then went full steam reverse right back in the closet. My dad even apparently took him to some gay clubs in california?? WTF? I asked him about himself and he said he was straight. I didn’t bring up the gay porn I found in his house a whiles back, but forget it. I was overwhelmed at how well he seemed to take the news and that he said that I was his child and he loved me nomatter what. :)

The other news that came my way was that apparently my Dad is rich (without my knowing) and that he set up his will so that my brother and I will be getting a lot of money when he and his wife die. I was absolutely stunned… and really hurt. My brother’s been made an executor, and not me… and I don’t trust him. So that sucks.

So before I go any further here, let me just say that I wasn’t expecting anything out of my Dad. Nothing. Maybe a few grand… quite frankly something that made me nervous was thinking of how I’d pay for a funeral for either my mom or my dad. Not fun. So the news that my dad loves me unconditionally and has put aside a fund for me when he and his wife dies was huge for me. But seriously? I’m confused.

I was in an emotional tailspin because I honestly wonder, was the last 10 years, the degree of seperation I wedged between me and my father, was that all unneccecary? He would say it is. But in the past he had said some very anti-gay things to me. He lived a continent away from me my whole life and never moved closer- I saw him a few weeks out of the year if I was lucky, Plus phone calls. He’s a staunch republican, so you know what his political leanings are. And did I mention a born again christian? And last but not least, the gay porn I found in his house as a child?

I love my dad, I really really do. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be affected by him. I love him to death and his opinion carries so much weight on me. I think that’s why I kept that distance between us for such a long time; I was and am hurt at the way our family broke apart when I was just a baby, I never felt right as myself and was deeply convinced he wouldn’t be ok with it. All of those conflicted emotions are and were real… It just hurts me to know that I pushed someone away for such a long time who obviously still deeply cares for me.

So I don’t care about the cash at all. I just want my relationships repaired. If I got the windfall tomorrow (which would kill me) I would honestly put it away for 30 years for retirement. I wouldn’t even touch it, because that’s never been what’s that important to me, even knowing all the huge expenses I am very soon to incurr with my transition. It just isn’t what I want, and I don’t want to ever come across that way to them.

I just don’t know why I’m not happier. Or correct that. I know, it’s just a huge muddle. I’m feeling incredibly guilty and stupid, as well as incredibly lucky, loved and welcome. What a weird world.

Add to that, the following:

So in the past few days, I got an email from dad just following up and saying that all was well, which made me really glad, but he still referred to me as his son. I guess that part is going to take a while. I came out to my stepsister this past tuesday, like I said, but that conversation was a little weird. I think it’s the first time I’ve told someone and they totally acted weird about it, so that has stuck with me. She said in a very suspicious tone “No I didn’t suspect it at all, I usually have great gaydar” and I replied “Hmm, I guess you don’t have good transdar then?”. Seriously? Sigh. She ended the conversation with “You should call me b/c I’m not good at calling.”. Ok. Is that honest or…?

Anyways, I wanted to update the world at large as to what’s going on. It’s been a big rollercoaster, but I can now say, I am out to my entire immediate family! :D

Much love you all.

Michaela

Met a really cute girl tpday

So its been a while! sorry about that.

I met a girl this weekend, and although there’s really no hope for a relationship (she’s in one) it felt really good to be attracted openly to someone, and I’m pretty sure her to me: her GF is transgendered! :) She is totally cute and very easy to talk to, a hair dresser from New Hampshire.

Anyways, we talked this weekend and I got to know a little about her girlfriend and how she is dealing with the transition. It’s apparently going pretty well, though it makes me happy that I live in a major city rather than the back woods somewhere… my new hairdresser friend seems to be enjoying the process and likes that she’s gaining a new girlfriend out of her old boyfriend.:)

its just so nice to best that things can and do work out for the best.

things are going well for me right now, except for roommates, who continue to be give pains in the butt. I am still looking for a new place to move to. ill update again soon, promise!

Michaela

Quick Update

Hello all… So I’ve been pretty darned swarmed lately and just wanted to post a quick upate. Had a great weekend, a housewarming party saturday and some friends stopped by on Sunday to work on the video. Unfortunately my schedule didn’t get followed so I am still working on the music video, but that will be done ASAP now that I have everything I need to finish it. (We did sound work.)

Also, this past weekend, I kinda blew my diet and am sorta regretting it now, even if it was a little fun before. After eating so healthy for several weeks straight, consuming so much alchohol and bad junk food really did a number on me; I think I’m in a different place now, where that kind of stuff just doesn’t appeal to me at all anymore. I may take a no junk, alchohol or cigar (had all 3) pledge for a month… I think it would tie in well with the don’t-eat-out-for-a-month pledge I’m currently on.

I’m also noticing how important it is for me to get 8 hours of sleep a night, mandatory, for my emotional health. Today I’m working on 5 hours and it’s just not enough. I feel like crap today, and I’m tired of feeling that way. Whenever I get to this place on a work day I take a break and browse the self help section of a local bookstore; it dawned on me today that 90% of the times I feel this way is when I haven’t slept that well. Finding out about my emotional accountability is proving to be a kick in the butt! LOL

Last, I’ve got a big day planned tomorrow! I have my hair cut appointment at 11 am and an interview for a recruiter at 3! I’m pretty excited about both. For the hair cut, I’m going to go for soemthing along the line of a medium cut with tons of chemical straighteners; I hate the wavy-ness of my hair. While I’m doing laundry tonight, I’m going to revise my resume and have that ready for tomorrow. I keep thinking about having to go back to doing my hair and presentation more like a guy - ties, suit jackets, etc. :/ I’ll never cut my hair short again, however. Just not going to happen. ;)

Ok I’ll write another update soon.

Michaela